Dating.com - Romance and the working man.

Remember when they used to call them slackers? About ten years ago, it was not uncommon to hear economists warn that today's young adults would be the first generation not to live as well as their parents. So much for foresight. There's a new work ethic in town and it's unlike anything your parents or their parents or even their parent's parents have ever seen. Especially in the ever-growing technology industries, those darn kids are working their asses off for an often very real pot-o-gold waiting at the end of a pretty short rainbow. The video gamers have grown up and become business savvy entrepreneurs. They've shunned protocol with a 'don't call us, we'll call you' sensibility and an eighty-hours-plus workweek standard. And its paying off  too - they're getting really rich.

But that doesn't mean there isn't a downside to trading in just about everything else in life for the fat chance. Gone are long weekend getaways, exercising three times a week or staying in touch with college pals. Even romance is viewed as a perk most say they just don't have time for: In the neo-corporate quagmire of pulling all- nighters in the office, working ninety days straight with out one off and leaving for work when its still dark, not to return home until late at night, a new romantic modus opperandis has emerged.

After ending up on a "Vote for the Most Eligible Bachelor" website at www.meer.net/users/ebachelors-sf set up by VA Linux's PR company, 29 year old Tim O'Mahoney started receiving random inquiries and even dated a few of the women who've tracked him down through the site. "It's fun" he says, "dating in this industry just doesn't exist in the traditional sense. Having all these girls ask me out is really cool." But it wasn't always that easy.

A relationship refugee, O'Mahoney, in a mutual breakup, split with his girlfriend of 3.5 years. He explains "I was with a fifteen person shop, every day was do or die. It wasn't the hours, it was the mindset - I'm with this start up going for the home run and as soon as things started to heat up, I knew there would be no time, no energy, no emotion devoted to her." When things got crazy, he didn't have any time to maintain a relationship.

But he has more time now and inquiries continue to flood in. At the end of 1999, VA Linux went public and their stock rose from $30 to $320 in one day, breaking myriad records and leaving O'Mahoney a freshly minted multi-millionaire. When asked if he'd be quitting his job any time soon, Tim said "Ummmmm, I will be fully vested sometime in early 2001, which tends to be a momentus occasion for the start-up veteran. I would be able to depart at that time, if I so desired." And with that he exited for a much needed three week vacation to Australia.

-IPO Envy

30 year old Matt Walker of ofoto.com, says there is a whole ton of stress connected to working in such a competitive industry. "People are so ambitious now and the IPO frenzy has changed the view of what your potential is. If you're 28 and you're not making six figures on top of options, something's wrong. It's all about immediate gratification, what's in it for me."

"The fact that I'm completely obsessed is because everyone around me is striking it rich and I want my piece too. The comparison to the Jones' is vicious now and it can deplete your sense of self worth - you have to fight not being materialistic" says Matthew Walker. "And I can't help feeling that there is limited time to take part in this unreal environment. When I was growing up, the economy would fluctuate. I was taught that you are fiscally responsible, you tuck money away, you are conservative. But I live in a boom culture now and it's hard not to grab."

These guys will work sixteen-hour days, but they expect to be cashing out in three years. That's the viewpoint. And that makes time the most valuable asset. Dating becomes an unnecessary time suck.

It used to be that dating was the method for weeding through people to find someone you really like, but Walker figures its been years since he's gone on a proper date. He says "I don't want to give up time on someone I don't know very well. It's gonna happen via email or phone conversations first, until I can really check it out." He explains that he has become much more selective. "I used to just get numbers constantly - quantity was the thing. Now, if I don't feel something right away, I won't bother. Honestly, I'd rather sleep that waste a night on something that's not going anywhere."

Professor Jan English-Lueck, of the anthropology department at San Jose State University is collaborating on a study called the Silicon Valley Cultures Project which looks at how tech workers integrate their work, family and social lives. "The culture does foster an ethic that puts work first," she says, "certainly email/chat environments seem to have been one way to circumvent the time constraints, allowing people to meet new folks asynchronously from the convenience of their own work/home computer"

And this frenetic work schedule is not limited to the Silicon Valley or even to tech companies. Much like the relatively new corporate standard of "casual day", a left coast born convention, the work-hard-become-rich mantra has infiltrated non-tech related industries such as Public Relations, Advertising and others. Law firms are having trouble keeping attorneys on. Even newspapers are losing journalists. The view seems to be, if you're going to work really hard, you should make sure you're working with the potential of striking it rich.

[Quote from Michael Levine, CEO of CareerGroup - recruiting company in LA comments on the new standard work week of 80 hours, 310-277-8188 Leslie Evans, x136]

Time isn't the only inhibitor to dating. It's also a question of energy. Michael Speiser, 27-year-old Co-founder of ePinions, dates about once a month, though he goes out every weekend night with friends. He says "I work long hours and I'm emotionally attached to my work I work until nine, ten, eleven nightly. When I go out on the weekend, I just need to have fun and relax." In Speiser's opinion, the same fervor that feeds an entrepreneurial work environment actually hinders a social one. "It takes a great deal of work to be social in this environment."

Walker agrees. "This culture is no longer about meeting people. You do your grocery shopping on line, order your books on line, whatever - no more bumping into someone at the market or being told to be quiet by the librarian. Everything happens through a computer interface." He continues "The patience level for long drawn out courtship has been blown out of the water. Now its basically 'I'm gonna go on a date, if it's fun, it's fun, if it's a fling, it's a fling' - whether this is or is not gonna 'happen' is decided within the first hour. Think about that - they have one hour to prove themselves!"

Some theorize that email is a perfect scamming ground. In the early 1900s people left calling cards, sent letters and romantic notes. That was part of courtship. Then with the telephone, it all changed. But email has restored the link between romance and the written word. And if you're cutting edge, Instant Messaging is the real test because you don't have time to think, you can see how fast the other can type, whether or not they can spell, how quick and witty they are. It adds a whole new sexy element, and a giddy "How long should I wait before I reply" vibe. Still, e-romance is no replacement for human contact.

Three years ago at 2am, Ali Partovi and his co-worker took a break from their work to complain about the fact that they hadn't had a day off in seven weeks. They presumed that like them, their friends hadn't gone out much either, so they whipped out an email inviting twenty friends to meet that Friday and subsequent last-Fridays of the month for socializing. They called this would-be custom "Drink Exchange", the concept being that each invitee would buy a couple drinks for someone else in the crowd, and so on. By Friday they had received eighty RSVPs. Now with a mailing list 3000 strong, The Drink Exchange meets at various hot spots in San Francisco, and the event even has corporate sponsorship.

If you're not one of the 3000 on that list, other options are becoming available for making a love connection. There has been an influx of women to the tech scene such that "tech groupies" are becoming a common site at industry events. While there are mixed reviews as to whether or not dating a woman in the industry matters or not long term, sheer want for numbers will likely settle the score. According to Trish McDermott, Vice President of Romance for Match.com, an on-line dating/match making service, 10% of the company's base is in the Silicon Valley/San Francisco. That 10% represents about 3000 new applicants per week from SV/SF alone, equal parts male and female.

McDermott explains "There are more single men in this industry, so numerically speaking, it's a big challenge to find dates. And these people are very busy, so starting relationships from their home or work computers is convenient. And our applicants are top notch people, top of their industries, successful, but dateless."

And for those who shy away from dating services, Patty Beron, the 32-year-old founder of SFGirl.com created an online community. Originally intended as a place to post job listings, the site has become the source for finding out details on upcoming technology launch parties from Seattle to Los Angeles. She says that the newest trend in dating begins with industry parties. In fact, all of the dates she's had in the last six months were men she met on the circuit. "Since I'm in the industry, I attended a lot of events and realized internet events were a great place to meet men and women.definitely much better than meeting at a random bar with the odds of never bumping into each other again."

Patty thinks these events are perfect for budding romance because, first, their purpose is to network, so meeting people is natural and easy. Next, they're fabulous events with all the free food and drinks provided and since each new company is trying to out do the next, the parties are hugely elaborate. And finally, the parties have built in screening because fellow invitees are likely aggressive, smart and very confident career minded people. "We are all young, dynamic people with a lot of options and a lot going on" Patti says - "none of us want to waste our time on lame dates, so this is a great way to meet people - and its good for business too."

27-year-old Tiffany Spencer of Creditland.com sees the choice in options as a good thing too. She says "an advantage of dating in this industry is that there are a lot of single, very educated, smart and successful men. The environment is crazy, people are rushed and driven..doing really interesting things.  The downside, though, is that everywhere you go, people are talking about the Internet, stock options, upcoming IPOs, and start up this or start up that. Even on dates you have to steer people towards having more personal conversations."

But what happens if you are not into the dating scene or have met someone special? Expectation setting is really important. Work comes first for this crowd, and if the girl is outside the industry, chances are she will have a hard time understanding the amount of time it zaps. One serial monogamist says "You learn from the last one, then you lay down the ground rules." He continues to say that in terms of time commitment, dating takes too much time - relationships don't take as much effort. "As it stands, I don't expect to be thinking seriously about a partner until I'm 35. If I were to start again though, I would've left university with a very steady serious girlfriend, so I could be in a relationship while I focused all my energy on work."

Matthew Walker agrees "Chances are it will be 2-3 years from now, once I've cashed out, when I get out altogether, before I fall in love. Or maybe I'll meet someone along the way who completely understands this life." He says "I would love nothing more than to fall madly in love with my perfect woman, but I don't spend time making that happen."

Many agree that dating within the industry is key to having a partner who understands the pressure you're under. English-Lueck, sociology professor, says "the people we have interviewed do care about relationships, but the logistics of initiating and maintaining a relationship are difficult in the high tech work environment." She continues "One other issue that emerged is the difficulty of having a significant other who is not in the industry" since such non-techie people can be perplexed by the rhythms of high tech work.

Will Clemens, 28 year old CEO of Respond.com, began dating his current girlfriend a year before he started his company at a time when his stress level and time constraints were more normal. "Starting a company in this hyper-competitive landscape has consumed me to a level that I didn't think was possible. And its not so much hours in the office as it is stress, travel, everything - its all consuming" he said.

Only a few months later, after he and his girlfriend moved away from San Francisco to the Silicon Valley to accommodate the new company, his girlfriend broke up with him. Neither had considered the toll the startup and the move would take on their relationship. Clemens had little time or energy for anything outside of work and said, "I felt like I was giving all I had, that she was getting 100% of my free time and energy, even though it was a very little amount."

Now they are back together and have readjusted the perameters of their relationship in order to make it work. She lives in San Francisco while he remains in Silicon Valley. They see each other less and rarely mid-week, but they make sure the time they do spend together is quality. "I'm trying harder now and while my stress level is still high, I have a bit more flexibility with time. And she has a better understanding of what I'm trying to do with the company and there are lower expectations of how much time we can spend together. What has made this work now is that we appreciate a lesser amount of time more." However, Clemens mentioned "if it had not worked out with her, I wouldn't be interested in starting another relationship  I just couldn't devote time to a new relationship."

Neal Howard George, 27 year old Account Manager at Critical Path, echoes those sentiments. Like Clemens, George started dating his girlfriend prior to working at a start up.  Soon after he and five others started the company, the effects on his relationship flourished. "It's not necessarily the long hours, it's the general stress and preoccupation that accompany the lifestyle." For George, he had less energy, needed more sleep and even his sex drive suffered. He became irritable and much less fun to live with. To make things better now, George and his girlfriend "set date nights in order to make sure to concentrate on each other's needs."

According to Dr. Mark Levy, Psychiatrist in private practice in Mill Valley and Chairman of the SF Foundation for Psychoanalysis, "meaningful commitments in relationships are predicated upon a reasonably firm sense of who we are, who our partner is and what it is that we want in common in our lives. When the floor is moving rapidly under us, it can be difficult answering these questionsand may undermine existing relationships."

It's hard to maintain any balance in this kind of life and not everyone cares to juggle a relationship in such an intensely exhausting work environment. 30 year old Matt Cevallos, Director of Finance at Creditland.com, couldn't be happier to be single again. After succumbing to the difficulty of keeping his steady relationship afloat, he finally broke up with his girlfriend and is basically thrilled about his new found "freedom". On top of his full time job, he is also on the board of several other internet companies and spends every minute of his day thinking about how to push and enhance those companies. Most of his little free time is spent networking at San Francisco charity events, banking conferences, and the like. In regards to his current status as a veritable dating machine he had this to say: "I'm extremely psyched!"

Along those lines, even our token millionaire, O'Mahoney, says that while carrying on a relationship was too time consuming, he has plenty of time to date. "Dating is not time intensive." This self described "Equal Opportunity Dater" explains "what you find in this industry are a lot of driven professional women who are just as interested in their careers as you are in yours. And they are likely pulling in 100 - $250,000 per year." Tim confesses that the women he's dated have been "on pretty gnarly career paths" and (up until now) making a helluva lot more than he was. But he takes it all in stride and sums up the low pressure of dating by saying "It's either a one nighter, a two weeker, or maybe if things are going okay, it might last a month. But then it's time to move on. It's all just for fun."

~~

Side Bar:

In the olden days, if you got rich, you just had to shut up and suffer. Not anymore! If you think you're coming down with something, you better hope it's SWS. What's SWS? Sudden Wealth Syndrome, of course. It's not a rash, it's not sexually transmitted and topical cream won't take it away. It is the condition brought on by, ummm, in technical terms, getting a whole ton of money. Suddenly.

According to Dr. Mark Levy, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Francisco, "A flood of economic power can be really destabilizing to a person's sense of balance." Experts agree that financial power is a strong aphrodisiac and can change the way people behave toward the wealthy. Apparently, those who get rich quick suffer an unexpected shift in values too.

And these newly rich aren't the only victims. One administrative assistant of a particular millionaire exclaimed "I spend most of my time feeling pretty poor. Being surrounded by all this wealth can really mess with your head." Screw her! Envy-confusion is nothing compared to the kind of confusion sudden wealth warrants. After all, how is a guy supposed to feel about himself when he can suddenly trade in his clunker for one of those hot, new BMWs?

[Pause now to weep]

No need to race for the cure, the good news is that help is in sight. The Money, Meaning & Choice Institute in Northern California (www.mmcinstitute.com) offers help for sufferers experiencing this traumatic change. If you are a sufferer, simply hand them some of your money and they'll assure you that it is normal to experience feelings of guilt, ambivalence about future work projects and uneasiness about new social status.

And if that doesn't help, here's a cure that might work: Take two aspirin and GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!